It's not just black and white

The phrase "it's not just black and white" has never seemed truer to me than now.

I'm talking about literal black and white- Interracial relationships.

Why, you ask, am I bringing this up? Well, I've never had to think about it before now. Seriously, it never phased me or crossed my mind when I saw a black man and a white woman together or visa-versa. It's not out of the ordinary and I never took a second look or thought.

Recently, my best friend (who is white) started dating a black man. I'm not going to lie to you it was a bit surprising not because I'm racist or anything, but simply because he is not at all her type. She was nervous about me meeting him, but once I did and liked him a lot she was extremely relieved- which was weird because she's never depended this much on my judgement of a boy she was seeing. It seemed like my approval was crucial to her. Like she was trying to decide if she would continue the relationship based on what I thought.

And that was true, I found out. She was so nervous that her friends would disapprove that she literally didn't want to get too close to him before getting the OK from us.

Both of us having grown up in a rich white Irish town in Boston our whole lives, we knew it would be difficult breaking this to her parents. Even if they acted like it was okay, you just knew that they would secretly disapprove because that's how they were raised. She still hasn't taken him home to meet her parents even though they are getting very serious now because she is scared. She can't share one of the biggest parts of her life right now with the people she loves the most simply because he is black.

Now, when I see interracial couples I actually stop and think about it. What's the back story that no one sees when they're smiling walking down the street? Do family or friends disapprove? Do they have to hide it? Knowing what I know from my friends experience, I really admire couples that can face these extreme prejudices and obstacles and still be happy and strong together. It's really given me an inside perspective into the racism that really does still exist everywhere.

So, don't worry about what other people think or say. Do you. Do who you want. Do what you want. And don't apologize for it.



CHATTY KATHY

The Disclaimer

Have you ever been dating a guy and really liking him when it hits you like a tornado.... "I'm not looking for anything serious like a relationship."

Seriously bro? We're at the fuckin Olive Garden, I've already given up the goodies and you text me nonstop... But you don't want a relationship? 

You have got to be kidding me. 

You just got hit with "The Disclaimer."

This seems to happen all to often to women everywhere. Well, me and my friends atleast. 

So what do you do in this situation? Run for the hills? Play it cool? Tell him you want more?

A few cute girls tell you what they think you should do in this situation here...

Alright, clearly they think you should play it cool and pretend you're down for whatever, while sneakily trying to trick him into wanting more because that's in fact what you want.

Are they delusional? Will this actually work?

Caitlin, in her first of many guest blogs on Chatty Kathy, tells the not-so-pretty story of what happens when you follow this "play it cool" method.

"There was this one guy that I was kind of seeing a few summers ago. He never said straight out that he didn’t want anything serious but it was pretty obvious because he was 22 years-old, living in Boston, and had just gotten out of a serious relationship. His name was Joe and it so happened that I really liked him. I’m not sure if it actually had anything to do with him or the fact that he was unavailable that made him so appealing to me but I pursued him like any naive girl would pursue an unavailable guy. “He’ll want to be with me one day.” False.

So from May to September, I consistently had sex with Joe and played it cool in hopes that he would see me in a different light other than “fuck buddy”. He did take me out on a couple dates which only flamed my hopes. We even went to a Red Sox game on a double date with my friend and his friend which only ended in disaster. Everyone had one too many beers and meaningless fights broke out over nonsense. The Sox game was fun though!

One night, Joe had a small-but-serious party at his apartment in Brighton with his friends and my friends. One of Joe’s roommates had told my friend, Meaghan, that Joe was thinking about asking me out. It turns out that his roommate had told him that that was a mistake. There went my only hopes of being with Joe. I had thought that maybe his roommate’s words wouldn’t stick, but that wasn’t the case.

As the summer drew to a close, I received less and less texts from Joe to hang out and they eventually stopped. I hate being seen as a clingy girl but the less available he was, the more I wanted him. And the more I wanted him, the less available he wanted to be. One of the worst paradoxes that I’m positive every single girl has been through. For the longest time after things ended, I felt like he was “the one that got away”. So cliche but we never actually had a real relationship to even determine if we were a right fit or not. I used to receive the occasional text from Joe wanting to see me but he usually talked about how awesome my ass is. Talk about an obvious booty call text.

I probably wouldn’t have done anything differently because regardless of what I would have done, he still wouldn’t have wanted anything with me. But for some God damn reason, I couldn’t comprehend that. Maybe anal would have helped but I was terrified of that shit back then."

Clearly, it seems like nothing good can come from this tactic to "The Disclaimer."

Photo courtesy of Twenty-Something Bloggers

Jen Kucsak, blogger of Welcome To The Jungle, seems to think that in a case like this, you should run for the hills. Her post "8 Simple Rules for Dating A 20-Something Boy" says "6. No sex on the first night. A one night stand is most likely not going to turn into a relationship. Unless you are a character in a movie, which I highly doubt you are" and "8. Just have fun. Life's too short for playing games. If he's not showing interest, then maybe he's just not that into you."

Cali Bradshaw, of Sex and The Twenties, thinks saying "fuck it" is the way to go. In her blog post, "Dear Brad, You Suck," she says "And after feeling like complete shit for a few days I’ve decided there is only one possible answer to this – this is about him. Whatever his deal is, I am confident I did nothing wrong and there is nothing here that I could learn from or do differently in the future." She goes on to say, "I am a dating blogger… surprise, you are a star! This blog gets about 25,000 hits a month, so congratulations to you on your new found fame." So publicly shame him! Way to go!

Had you asked me my opinion 6 months ago I would have said go along with it until he falls for you. I was doing that with Douche #1 and of course, nothing but drunken weekend booty calls came out of it. 

So had you asked me a month ago, after agonizing months of trying to coax this boy into not "hating girls" and "not being ready," which was his excuse, I would have said absolutely not. Run for the hills or tell him straight-up what you want. 

But of course old habits die hard, so when the next guy came along and threw "The Disclaimer" at me I once again said "yea me either - totally not looking for anything serious." And boom - instant boyfriend.

So I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes playing it cool works and sometimes it makes you run down a never-ending rabithole. Basically, shit happens.

CHATTY KATHY